I have been trying to make it to 100 days sober for the past 4 years and today I finally hit that milestone. I didn’t stumble into this milestone either. It’s been work and certainly hasn’t always been easy or comfortable. But there is one thing I know for sure and that is this journey of sobriety has 100% been worth it. In honor of my 100 day milestone, I have put together a list of 10 things that sobriety has given me:
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I am realizing I have resistance around self love and acceptance. On some level, I feel that my “inner critic” or my “ego” has served me in certain areas of my life. It has motivated me to achieve and to be externally successful in areas like school and work.
Lately in my sobriety I find myself coming back to 3 main beliefs:
I understand these beliefs have caused me suffering, but I can’t shake the feeling that in some ways they have served me. Why else would I keep coming back to them? In her book Radical Acceptance Tara Brach describes what I am feeling as the “The Trance of Unworthiness.” She talks about how western culture breeds the assumption that I must prove to myself and others that I am worthy (work, school, relationships). She discusses how Buddhism challenges the western assumption that we must prove our worth. Instead Buddha reflects on how life is a gift because we have the opportunity to realize our true nature. According to Tara, “We free ourselves from the trance by learning to recognize what is true in the present moment and by embracing whatever we see with an open heart.” So how do we do this without falling into complacency? How do we accept ourself AND take actions to improve our lives? Tara says that acceptance isn’t equivalent to throwing in the towel or giving up, rather it is the first step towards “wise action.” By cultivating genuine wakefulness and kindness we are then able to take effective action. This weekend a couple milestones happened for me. I hit 30 days (which I’ve done before, but this time it feels different). I also told my family the truth about my relationship with alcohol for the first time ever. I was so nervous about the conversation, but now that it’s happened I feel relieved. I feel like I have a whole new level of accountability in my life. More importantly, I’m starting to let go of the need to have to hide from the people I love and isolate. It’s scary and it’s powerful and it’s beautiful all at once. I’m grateful for this journey everyday and feel blessed to be in this community. We don’t have to go through this alone!
I wrote this about 2 years ago on my health blog in a moment of clarity and it really holds true for me still today. Learning and re-learning that I don't need to constantly push my limits is something I struggle with almost every day. November 14, 2018 (almost 2 years ago) "I don’t need to push my limits to know that I am living a full and energized life. When I take the time to acknowledge my limits (despite what others may say), I gain strength and confidence in my own inner voice—the same one that is often neglected when I try to push through my stress and fatigue with too much alcohol, food, or partying." It would have been nice if I could have truly internalized my own words after writing this. The truth is that I would continue to push myself in every way imaginable for the next 2 years until I got to the place where I was so burnt out that I had not choice but to re-examine my approach. For me drinking alcohol was like pushing on off button on my brain. I used it as was a way to ground myself and let go of the constant pressure (constructed by my own unrelenting expectations). Sobriety is teaching me how important it is for me to press the pause button on my expectations, external pressures, and the judgemental "do more" voice in my head. Now instead of grabbing for the booze or sweets I am learning to ground myself in my breath. I am not always successful, but I am grateful that I have the opportunity to try again (and again) with each moment. I recently had the realization that if it wasn't for COVID-19 and this quarantine period I would not be in recovery right now.
If I'm being honest with myself, if it wasn't for this global pandemic, my recovery process probably would have been delayed another 5-10 years. Here's what could have happened in that time...
I. Need. Help. And somehow I found the courage and humility to pursue it. And now....because of the all this idle time on my hands I have the opportunity to put my recovery first and do things like jump on 3 Zoom calls a day..or meditate...or write a ridiculously long post on Cafe RE. I guess I am saying this for those of you who may be sipping a glass wine as you read this post. Or, for those who may be wondering if they should put it off another couple days...weeks..months. Now is the BEST time. It really is. We are taught by well-intentioned people that self-growth is a straight forward trajectory. And maybe for some it is. Maybe there are some people that have one of those "awakening moments" where they are completely and utterly changed and the only natural thing to do moving forward is to make loving and kind choices towards themselves and others.
But for me, self-growth is more of a dance between two equally strong, but competing forces. There's the force that is driven by a sense of growth, love, and appreciation for life. The one that gets me out of bed at 6am in the morning, ties my shoes so that I can go on a run, and the one that urges me to just sit still and be with myself. And then there's the force within me that is driven by something a bit darker, something I'd prefer to keep hidden in the closet of my psyche. This force is driven by fear, insecurity, and a strong obsession with external sources of happiness and pleasure. This force is hungry and is never satisfied with what I give it. It always wants MORE. More wine. More sugar. More affection. More achievement. And it's relentless. It keeps coming back and sometimes it's really loud and convincing. Here's the thing. I need to let both of these forces within me dance together. Because light cannot exist without darkness, and we wouldn't understand joy without also understanding pain. Whether or not I choose to accept it, these forces DO exist within me and they want to dance. So today I'm gonna blast the music and let them bust out the moves because maybe that's what self-growth is really about. I came to this realization today. I don't have to wait.
I don't have to wait until I hit ROCK BOTTOM to get sober. For so many years (and even quite recently)...I've tried to justify my drinking by saying things like....
I clung onto all those differences between me and "those alcoholics" because I didn't want to face the truth. The truth is that it is not about hitting rock bottom - it's about living the best life that I can. And I can't do that with alcohol in it. Maybe it's just that simple. I did something I have never done before last night....
I had a craving for chocolate covered peanuts and red wine. And I decided that BEFORE acting on my craving I would just sit with it and try to understand it. I've spent a lot of time in my life fighting (or giving into) my cravings and desires - but not a lot of time listening to them and understanding what is underneath them. So instead of going to the grocery store or simply just white knuckling it, I set on my carpet, closed my eyes, and I tried the following:
Here is the meditation I listened to: https://www.tarabrach.com/meditation-rain-wanting-mind/ I am going to break recovery done into a series of expectations vs. realities (as I have come to understand so far). I am only on Day 15 here so if this doesn't resonate please don't take offense.
Getting Better & Control
Being Healthy
"Normal" Is The Goal
Sitting with Emotions
This photo (taken before 7am on my morning run) would not have happened if I was drinking last night. Who knew the world could be this silent and beautiful?
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About MeAs I embark on this sober journey I wanted a place where I could share my reflections, insights, and questions about sobriety. And I hope that through creating this blog I can begin to find strength and courage in the absence of booze. Archives
July 2020
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