It was nearly 2.5 years ago from today on January 4th of 2017 when my Mom told me something that hit me to my core. She said, “If you continue on like this you will die.”
Her words stung like needles to the skin and there was a part of me that wondered if she was right. Up to that point my drinking had steadily become worse. A couple months earlier, I had a near death experience when my boyfriend shook me awake in terror screaming my name again and again. I was choking on my own vomit in my sleep. I had consumed over a bottle wine that night, and the sedative effects of the booze kept me asleep as I silently edged closer to my own mortality. After that experience, I stopped drinking for a while only to return that January. I don’t have a problem if I can quit for over 30 days, right? So I continued to drink this time with the resolve that I would set boundaries. I would control my drinking. I would limit myself to two glasses. I would only drink on the weekends. I wouldn’t drink at brunch with friends. I would take extended breaks from drinking to cleanse myself of toxins. Sometimes I would succeed at being a responsible drinker, but most of the time I would find myself rebelling against my self imposed rules. What I didn’t realize during all these years is that I was in denial. I didn’t want to believe that I could not control my alcohol consumption. I didn’t’ want to believe that there was no uncrossing the line of addiction. I didn’t want to take a hard look in the mirror and wonder what terror might happen again if I picked up just one glass of wine. Well I am done with being in denial about my drinking. I am not and never will be a normal drinker. My unique brain chemistry can’t handle even a little bit of booze without experiencing negative effects. And I am beyond the point of wanting to quit just because “I want to be healthier” and “I don't want a hangover.” No, this time I am afraid to say that I am quitting because I want to continue living. I am fairly certain that if I go back it will be the death of me. It may take years of a steady downward spiral or it may happen more instantaneously. My mom was right and now 2.5 years later I finally get it. This is the first time I’ve ever characterized myself in recovery from addiction. And with that comes a sense of responsibility to protect my recovery at all costs. One of the deepest truths I’ve come to realize is that I can’t bare this burden alone. I need support because the voices in my head that have lied to me, will continue to lead me astray if I don’t have a community holding me accountable. So I am doing a couple things to make sure that happens. I am joining recovery groups like Refuge Recovery and AA. I am going to get a sponsor. I am also joining online support groups like Cafe RE. And eventually, when I am ready, I am going to be honest with my family and friends about my relationship with alcohol and why I can’t drink. Today I am 5 days sober and moving forward I am going to just take it one day at a time. All I know I for sure is that today I will be honest, courageous, and steadfast in my decision to maintain my sobriety. And this is all anyone can really ask for.
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About MeAs I embark on this sober journey I wanted a place where I could share my reflections, insights, and questions about sobriety. And I hope that through creating this blog I can begin to find strength and courage in the absence of booze. Archives
July 2020
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