Today marks Day 6 of sobriety. I feel happy that I am here, typing this without a hangover or a craving. I feel happy that I am back on the right track again - the one that doesn't involve hiding from emotions, chasing a quick high, and feeling ashamed of my behavior. Yes, I am diving back into sobriety with as much enthusiasm as I can. Why? Because I know that's what it's going to take. I know this because I am a chronic relapser.
I have made so many sobriety vows over the past 2 years that I have broken. I have taken part in the 100-day sober challenge on 3 separate occasions (never to reach day 100), purchased sober pen pals, and experimented with different sober tools. And yet, each time I have made it to 9 days, 51 days, 69 day, 81 days, or any other number of days - I find myself giving into the craving under this assumption: "I can drink just one. I've given it up long enough." Each time I drink again, it starts out normal for the most part, and I start to convince myself that I am better, a "normal drinker." But then the insidious desire to drink more more more comes back - and I find myself once again in a dysfunctional relationship with alcohol. I always thought that after certain amount of time without booze the cravings would go away and that things would get easier. In my experience though, the first 1 or 2 weeks without booze are the easiest, as the memory of why I am quitting is still fresh in my brain. I can still compare how I felt hungover to how I feel in my newly sober state. But after a month or two I start forgetting how bad I felt and what a destructive role alcohol played in my life. My brain likes to convince itself that because I have not been drinking for so long and don't have cravings that often I can't possibly have a problem. I start to get bored and restless in my sober life and begin pondering what would happen if i had a drink again.... Then a party comes up or a stressful day at work happens and I have what Belle from the blog Tired of Thinking About Drinking calls a "fuck it" moment and I decide to drink. In a matter of weeks I always find myself facing the same dysfunctional relationship with alcohol. I tell myself I'll quit for good this time only to relapse again and again. Well I'm tired of relapsing. I'm tired of breaking vows with myself and enduring this maddening cycle of on and off again drinking. So I am committing myself to the sober community and my blog as a way to stay on track - a way to remember why it is I am here dong this sober thing. This time I want to stay the course. What do you habits and practices have you developed to prevent relapse?
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I suppose in some ways I have become a master escape artist over the past 27 years. From an early age, sugar was my method of choice. I adored the quick serotonin and dopamine boost I would get from halloween candy or a blizzard from Dairy Queen. I remember as a kid hiding in my closet and binging on halloween candy privately. I got a secret thrill from eating myself into oblivion, as though nothing else in the world mattered.
By the time I hit middle school I realized that I had a problem with sugar. I remember several attempts of trying to eliminate/moderate my sugar intake only to return to my old ways after a couple days or weeks of trying. As a highly sensitive teenager sugar was a convenient way to numb and escape feelings of sadness, loneliness, anxiety, and confusion. Over time I swapped out sugar as my primary method of escape with alcohol. I almost instantly fell in love with the transformative effect booze had on my personality and its ability to instantly quiet any insecurities or fears lingering in the back of my mind. During college I chalked up my love for getting drunk and losing myself in booze to the "crazy college years." Many of my peers were doing the same thing. I was normal, right? After graduating college, I assumed that my booze intake would settle down as I began the process of "adulting." I would soon learn that this was not at all the case. In fact, as I settled into adult life, booze went from being a social lubricant to a tool I used on my own regularly to sooth uncomfortable emotions. Overtime I started craving the numbing feeling I'd get with each glass and eventually needed more and more to maintain the buzz. After a night of heavy drinking I would inevitably feel hungover, depressed, and regretful about my binge. I would make empty promises to myself that "next time would be different." I genuinely thought for a while i could maintain some sense of moderation. However, I've come to learn that it is impossible for me to return to the relationship I had with alcohol before i started using it as an escape tool. After the first sip, my brain is hard wired to want to keep drinking till I feel good. But feeling "good" is really just an allusive fantasy - because it seems I always need more to reach and maintain that state, and I never quite arrive. Well I still have a desire to feel good - but I want to start going about it in a way that creates lasting change in my life, not god awful hangovers. I realize that in order to feel genuinely good sometimes we have to learn how to cope and process emotions that don't feel good. At the end of the day I don't want to live my life waiting for the next "fix" - I want to learn to instead appreciate the beauty of both the good and bad moments in life. I want to feel alive. I've been told that sober mornings are one of the best parts of sobriety. I have to say I 100% agree with this sentiment.
There is nothing better than getting 9 hours of solid sleep and feeling fully rested (before 10AM). 3 days ago in my hungover state it was all I could do just to get out of bed to lie in front of the TV and eat a greasy breakfast. Today I woke up feeling energized, motivated, and ready to seize the day. After eating a healthy breakfast, I cleaned my room and am now getting ready to go on a nice long run. These are things that are barely possible to do while hungover. And if they are attempted, it feels like a real, painful struggle. Today's sober morning is a breath of fresh air, like the feeling you get when you walk outside and feel the cool autumn breeze on your skin after days stuck inside. It is a very different way of living, one that I intend to start intimately exploring. Sober evenings on the other hand are another story....but we'll save that rant for another post. Today I just want to spend time savoring the beauty of sober mornings and the joy of feeling sunlight on your face while sipping a delicious cup of joe. Sometimes the things we love most are the the very things we must learn to live without. Like an old lover, booze isn't something I feel completely ready to move on from. I still have the good memories, the times where booze felt like a necessary companion in my life. I can't forget the evenings spent laughing with friends, glasses in hand, feeling as though there is no place else I would rather be. I can't forget the giddy feeling I'd get as the first sip of red wine touched my lips, or the way my stresses and problems seemed to immediately start fading away. No, instead I have to accept the fact that inspite of all the good times I have had during my 10 year love affair with booze, it's time to walk away (for good).
Today is day 2 of my sober journey and my heart is still feeling wobbly with the desire to return to my old lover. It wants to forget the pain and the insidious shame this substance has injected into my life, and return to the euphoria-filled moments. But today I am gonna be the best friend that tells myself, "You cannot - under any circumstance go back to that asshole. You are a strong, beautiful, and intelligent women and you deserve a love that will build you up, NOT break you down." So today I am going to give my better half the benefit of the doubt and trust that she knows better than my wobbly and lovesick heart. I will forge forward into this uncomfortable territory with the knowing that sometimes things have to bruise a little before they can heal. Here I am again. Another day 1, feeling hungover and tired. I have been here so many times before over the past 3 years. I've made it long stretches without drinking only to give up on it once the going got tough or I got bored.
I always start my sober journey with a lot of resolution. I have said to myself so many times before, " I will never drink again. This is the last drink." But that resolution seems to fade pretty quickly with the passage of time and the complexities of life. Life is hard. Drinking is easy. Except when you realize that drinking actually makes life a lot harder in the long run, even when your brain wants to convince you otherwise. So this blog is for me and for you (who ever you are reading this). Maybe you have your struggles with booze. Maybe you know somebody who does. This blog is a reminder for us that YES life is fucking hard...but there other ways to deal with it than to escape through booze. I suppose a journey of 1000 miles starts with the first step. I may be shakey footed today, but nonetheless I am taking a step forward. I am so sick of making u-turns in my sobriety journey only come to the same realization, "Booze is bad for me." I know that if I continue to use booze as a crutch as I've done in the past, I will not reach my full potential as a person. I only have one life to live and I can't mess it up by being stuck in a the numbing stupor of booze. So in my full hungover state, I'll raise by glass of La Crioix to sobriety, tiny first steps, and the long, beautiful journey that lies ahead. |
About MeAs I embark on this sober journey I wanted a place where I could share my reflections, insights, and questions about sobriety. And I hope that through creating this blog I can begin to find strength and courage in the absence of booze. Archives
July 2020
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