Today marks Day 6 of sobriety. I feel happy that I am here, typing this without a hangover or a craving. I feel happy that I am back on the right track again - the one that doesn't involve hiding from emotions, chasing a quick high, and feeling ashamed of my behavior. Yes, I am diving back into sobriety with as much enthusiasm as I can. Why? Because I know that's what it's going to take. I know this because I am a chronic relapser.
I have made so many sobriety vows over the past 2 years that I have broken. I have taken part in the 100-day sober challenge on 3 separate occasions (never to reach day 100), purchased sober pen pals, and experimented with different sober tools. And yet, each time I have made it to 9 days, 51 days, 69 day, 81 days, or any other number of days - I find myself giving into the craving under this assumption: "I can drink just one. I've given it up long enough." Each time I drink again, it starts out normal for the most part, and I start to convince myself that I am better, a "normal drinker." But then the insidious desire to drink more more more comes back - and I find myself once again in a dysfunctional relationship with alcohol. I always thought that after certain amount of time without booze the cravings would go away and that things would get easier. In my experience though, the first 1 or 2 weeks without booze are the easiest, as the memory of why I am quitting is still fresh in my brain. I can still compare how I felt hungover to how I feel in my newly sober state. But after a month or two I start forgetting how bad I felt and what a destructive role alcohol played in my life. My brain likes to convince itself that because I have not been drinking for so long and don't have cravings that often I can't possibly have a problem. I start to get bored and restless in my sober life and begin pondering what would happen if i had a drink again.... Then a party comes up or a stressful day at work happens and I have what Belle from the blog Tired of Thinking About Drinking calls a "fuck it" moment and I decide to drink. In a matter of weeks I always find myself facing the same dysfunctional relationship with alcohol. I tell myself I'll quit for good this time only to relapse again and again. Well I'm tired of relapsing. I'm tired of breaking vows with myself and enduring this maddening cycle of on and off again drinking. So I am committing myself to the sober community and my blog as a way to stay on track - a way to remember why it is I am here dong this sober thing. This time I want to stay the course. What do you habits and practices have you developed to prevent relapse?
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About MeAs I embark on this sober journey I wanted a place where I could share my reflections, insights, and questions about sobriety. And I hope that through creating this blog I can begin to find strength and courage in the absence of booze. Archives
July 2020
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