I suppose in some ways I have become a master escape artist over the past 27 years. From an early age, sugar was my method of choice. I adored the quick serotonin and dopamine boost I would get from halloween candy or a blizzard from Dairy Queen. I remember as a kid hiding in my closet and binging on halloween candy privately. I got a secret thrill from eating myself into oblivion, as though nothing else in the world mattered.
By the time I hit middle school I realized that I had a problem with sugar. I remember several attempts of trying to eliminate/moderate my sugar intake only to return to my old ways after a couple days or weeks of trying. As a highly sensitive teenager sugar was a convenient way to numb and escape feelings of sadness, loneliness, anxiety, and confusion. Over time I swapped out sugar as my primary method of escape with alcohol. I almost instantly fell in love with the transformative effect booze had on my personality and its ability to instantly quiet any insecurities or fears lingering in the back of my mind. During college I chalked up my love for getting drunk and losing myself in booze to the "crazy college years." Many of my peers were doing the same thing. I was normal, right? After graduating college, I assumed that my booze intake would settle down as I began the process of "adulting." I would soon learn that this was not at all the case. In fact, as I settled into adult life, booze went from being a social lubricant to a tool I used on my own regularly to sooth uncomfortable emotions. Overtime I started craving the numbing feeling I'd get with each glass and eventually needed more and more to maintain the buzz. After a night of heavy drinking I would inevitably feel hungover, depressed, and regretful about my binge. I would make empty promises to myself that "next time would be different." I genuinely thought for a while i could maintain some sense of moderation. However, I've come to learn that it is impossible for me to return to the relationship I had with alcohol before i started using it as an escape tool. After the first sip, my brain is hard wired to want to keep drinking till I feel good. But feeling "good" is really just an allusive fantasy - because it seems I always need more to reach and maintain that state, and I never quite arrive. Well I still have a desire to feel good - but I want to start going about it in a way that creates lasting change in my life, not god awful hangovers. I realize that in order to feel genuinely good sometimes we have to learn how to cope and process emotions that don't feel good. At the end of the day I don't want to live my life waiting for the next "fix" - I want to learn to instead appreciate the beauty of both the good and bad moments in life. I want to feel alive.
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About MeAs I embark on this sober journey I wanted a place where I could share my reflections, insights, and questions about sobriety. And I hope that through creating this blog I can begin to find strength and courage in the absence of booze. Archives
July 2020
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