Embarking on sobriety (and recovery) during the coronavirus has really been an interesting and intense experience so far. I feel like all of my emotions and thoughts about myself and the world are magnified. Everything feels so real and clear to me, and there's a part of me that doesn't want that at all. I miss the fuzziness that comes with a couple glasses of wine - the way the realness of the world just kind of fades away and all the hard emotions don't feel so hard anymore.
But I know that clarity on my thoughts, emotions, and behaviors is what I need right now during this difficult and uncertain time. Alcohol is a great temporary bandaid for the shit I go through on daily basis, but it also amplifies the stress, anxiety, and regret I experience when I sober up. Though knowing what you need (sobriety) and behaving accordingly (not drinking) is not as simple as it sounds. Especially for someone who has a brain like mine. If you could travel inside of my brain you'd find yourself in the middle of a battle field. On one side we have the "addict" who will do what ever it takes to get her fix. And on the opposite side we have the "fighter" who is determined to create a better and healthier life for herself. The "addict" usually appears in the form of a strong craving, which demands I give up this sobriety journey and buy a bottle of wine (because I can drink like a normal person, right??). I can't always anticipate when these cravings will arise, but they can sneak up on me at the strangest times (after an AA meeting or during a peaceful walk). Minutes before a craving hits I can be thinking about how happy I am sober and how hard it was when I was drinking, and then out of nowhere I start to deeply crave red wine. When these cravings hit they are powerful - the voice urging met to drink is strong and unrelenting. And it seems like it is even louder now that I have made the decision to give up drinking for the foreseeable future. That is why in AA they constantly talk about the importance of taking it one day at a time. Right now the thing that keeps me from caving into the cravings is accountability from the sober community (mainly Cafe RE) and my sponsor (who I am talking to everyday). As crazy as it sounds my fear of the consequences of drinking and my desire to live a better life are NOT enough to keep me sober for the long haul. The support is really important for me right now and will be continue to be in order for me to maintain long term sobriety. I can't just do this in my head anymore. It may work for a couple weeks or a couple months...but eventually I'll get to the point where my brain convinces me a drink is a good idea (and I'll give in if I don't have people holding me accountable). It took me a very long time to recognize this about myself and to admit I need help. Now I am going to dive into my sober supports as if my life depended on it because maybe it does. And maybe (with some help) I can be stronger than the voice that tells me it's a good idea to drink.
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About MeAs I embark on this sober journey I wanted a place where I could share my reflections, insights, and questions about sobriety. And I hope that through creating this blog I can begin to find strength and courage in the absence of booze. Archives
July 2020
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