We are taught by well-intentioned people that self-growth is a straight forward trajectory. And maybe for some it is. Maybe there are some people that have one of those "awakening moments" where they are completely and utterly changed and the only natural thing to do moving forward is to make loving and kind choices towards themselves and others.
But for me, self-growth is more of a dance between two equally strong, but competing forces. There's the force that is driven by a sense of growth, love, and appreciation for life. The one that gets me out of bed at 6am in the morning, ties my shoes so that I can go on a run, and the one that urges me to just sit still and be with myself. And then there's the force within me that is driven by something a bit darker, something I'd prefer to keep hidden in the closet of my psyche. This force is driven by fear, insecurity, and a strong obsession with external sources of happiness and pleasure. This force is hungry and is never satisfied with what I give it. It always wants MORE. More wine. More sugar. More affection. More achievement. And it's relentless. It keeps coming back and sometimes it's really loud and convincing. Here's the thing. I need to let both of these forces within me dance together. Because light cannot exist without darkness, and we wouldn't understand joy without also understanding pain. Whether or not I choose to accept it, these forces DO exist within me and they want to dance. So today I'm gonna blast the music and let them bust out the moves because maybe that's what self-growth is really about.
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About MeAs I embark on this sober journey I wanted a place where I could share my reflections, insights, and questions about sobriety. And I hope that through creating this blog I can begin to find strength and courage in the absence of booze. Archives
July 2020
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