Here is a poem I wrote for early sobriety:
Early Sobriety For too many years I've been stuck in this familiar dance of control and oblivion secrets and drunken truths justification and regret. And I find myself back here again in early sobriety. This time though it’s not as easy as just saying “I won’t drink” - it’s more nuanced like an abstract painting you want to understand, but can’t quite wrap your mind around. Because this type of early sobriety is different than all the other times. You see this time around I am a little more humble and willing to see the truth. And the truth is overwhelming sometimes. In fact a lot of times I want to numb it away. Instead I sign on to Zoom and listen to the voices of men and women who understand my struggle. I can clearly see the differences between us but I also feel the similarities to my core. And I hold on to that because it’s a reminder that I am not alone.
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Embarking on sobriety (and recovery) during the coronavirus has really been an interesting and intense experience so far. I feel like all of my emotions and thoughts about myself and the world are magnified. Everything feels so real and clear to me, and there's a part of me that doesn't want that at all. I miss the fuzziness that comes with a couple glasses of wine - the way the realness of the world just kind of fades away and all the hard emotions don't feel so hard anymore.
But I know that clarity on my thoughts, emotions, and behaviors is what I need right now during this difficult and uncertain time. Alcohol is a great temporary bandaid for the shit I go through on daily basis, but it also amplifies the stress, anxiety, and regret I experience when I sober up. Though knowing what you need (sobriety) and behaving accordingly (not drinking) is not as simple as it sounds. Especially for someone who has a brain like mine. If you could travel inside of my brain you'd find yourself in the middle of a battle field. On one side we have the "addict" who will do what ever it takes to get her fix. And on the opposite side we have the "fighter" who is determined to create a better and healthier life for herself. The "addict" usually appears in the form of a strong craving, which demands I give up this sobriety journey and buy a bottle of wine (because I can drink like a normal person, right??). I can't always anticipate when these cravings will arise, but they can sneak up on me at the strangest times (after an AA meeting or during a peaceful walk). Minutes before a craving hits I can be thinking about how happy I am sober and how hard it was when I was drinking, and then out of nowhere I start to deeply crave red wine. When these cravings hit they are powerful - the voice urging met to drink is strong and unrelenting. And it seems like it is even louder now that I have made the decision to give up drinking for the foreseeable future. That is why in AA they constantly talk about the importance of taking it one day at a time. Right now the thing that keeps me from caving into the cravings is accountability from the sober community (mainly Cafe RE) and my sponsor (who I am talking to everyday). As crazy as it sounds my fear of the consequences of drinking and my desire to live a better life are NOT enough to keep me sober for the long haul. The support is really important for me right now and will be continue to be in order for me to maintain long term sobriety. I can't just do this in my head anymore. It may work for a couple weeks or a couple months...but eventually I'll get to the point where my brain convinces me a drink is a good idea (and I'll give in if I don't have people holding me accountable). It took me a very long time to recognize this about myself and to admit I need help. Now I am going to dive into my sober supports as if my life depended on it because maybe it does. And maybe (with some help) I can be stronger than the voice that tells me it's a good idea to drink. It was nearly 2.5 years ago from today on January 4th of 2017 when my Mom told me something that hit me to my core. She said, “If you continue on like this you will die.”
Her words stung like needles to the skin and there was a part of me that wondered if she was right. Up to that point my drinking had steadily become worse. A couple months earlier, I had a near death experience when my boyfriend shook me awake in terror screaming my name again and again. I was choking on my own vomit in my sleep. I had consumed over a bottle wine that night, and the sedative effects of the booze kept me asleep as I silently edged closer to my own mortality. After that experience, I stopped drinking for a while only to return that January. I don’t have a problem if I can quit for over 30 days, right? So I continued to drink this time with the resolve that I would set boundaries. I would control my drinking. I would limit myself to two glasses. I would only drink on the weekends. I wouldn’t drink at brunch with friends. I would take extended breaks from drinking to cleanse myself of toxins. Sometimes I would succeed at being a responsible drinker, but most of the time I would find myself rebelling against my self imposed rules. What I didn’t realize during all these years is that I was in denial. I didn’t want to believe that I could not control my alcohol consumption. I didn’t’ want to believe that there was no uncrossing the line of addiction. I didn’t want to take a hard look in the mirror and wonder what terror might happen again if I picked up just one glass of wine. Well I am done with being in denial about my drinking. I am not and never will be a normal drinker. My unique brain chemistry can’t handle even a little bit of booze without experiencing negative effects. And I am beyond the point of wanting to quit just because “I want to be healthier” and “I don't want a hangover.” No, this time I am afraid to say that I am quitting because I want to continue living. I am fairly certain that if I go back it will be the death of me. It may take years of a steady downward spiral or it may happen more instantaneously. My mom was right and now 2.5 years later I finally get it. This is the first time I’ve ever characterized myself in recovery from addiction. And with that comes a sense of responsibility to protect my recovery at all costs. One of the deepest truths I’ve come to realize is that I can’t bare this burden alone. I need support because the voices in my head that have lied to me, will continue to lead me astray if I don’t have a community holding me accountable. So I am doing a couple things to make sure that happens. I am joining recovery groups like Refuge Recovery and AA. I am going to get a sponsor. I am also joining online support groups like Cafe RE. And eventually, when I am ready, I am going to be honest with my family and friends about my relationship with alcohol and why I can’t drink. Today I am 5 days sober and moving forward I am going to just take it one day at a time. All I know I for sure is that today I will be honest, courageous, and steadfast in my decision to maintain my sobriety. And this is all anyone can really ask for. Today marks Day 6 of sobriety. I feel happy that I am here, typing this without a hangover or a craving. I feel happy that I am back on the right track again - the one that doesn't involve hiding from emotions, chasing a quick high, and feeling ashamed of my behavior. Yes, I am diving back into sobriety with as much enthusiasm as I can. Why? Because I know that's what it's going to take. I know this because I am a chronic relapser.
I have made so many sobriety vows over the past 2 years that I have broken. I have taken part in the 100-day sober challenge on 3 separate occasions (never to reach day 100), purchased sober pen pals, and experimented with different sober tools. And yet, each time I have made it to 9 days, 51 days, 69 day, 81 days, or any other number of days - I find myself giving into the craving under this assumption: "I can drink just one. I've given it up long enough." Each time I drink again, it starts out normal for the most part, and I start to convince myself that I am better, a "normal drinker." But then the insidious desire to drink more more more comes back - and I find myself once again in a dysfunctional relationship with alcohol. I always thought that after certain amount of time without booze the cravings would go away and that things would get easier. In my experience though, the first 1 or 2 weeks without booze are the easiest, as the memory of why I am quitting is still fresh in my brain. I can still compare how I felt hungover to how I feel in my newly sober state. But after a month or two I start forgetting how bad I felt and what a destructive role alcohol played in my life. My brain likes to convince itself that because I have not been drinking for so long and don't have cravings that often I can't possibly have a problem. I start to get bored and restless in my sober life and begin pondering what would happen if i had a drink again.... Then a party comes up or a stressful day at work happens and I have what Belle from the blog Tired of Thinking About Drinking calls a "fuck it" moment and I decide to drink. In a matter of weeks I always find myself facing the same dysfunctional relationship with alcohol. I tell myself I'll quit for good this time only to relapse again and again. Well I'm tired of relapsing. I'm tired of breaking vows with myself and enduring this maddening cycle of on and off again drinking. So I am committing myself to the sober community and my blog as a way to stay on track - a way to remember why it is I am here dong this sober thing. This time I want to stay the course. What do you habits and practices have you developed to prevent relapse? I suppose in some ways I have become a master escape artist over the past 27 years. From an early age, sugar was my method of choice. I adored the quick serotonin and dopamine boost I would get from halloween candy or a blizzard from Dairy Queen. I remember as a kid hiding in my closet and binging on halloween candy privately. I got a secret thrill from eating myself into oblivion, as though nothing else in the world mattered.
By the time I hit middle school I realized that I had a problem with sugar. I remember several attempts of trying to eliminate/moderate my sugar intake only to return to my old ways after a couple days or weeks of trying. As a highly sensitive teenager sugar was a convenient way to numb and escape feelings of sadness, loneliness, anxiety, and confusion. Over time I swapped out sugar as my primary method of escape with alcohol. I almost instantly fell in love with the transformative effect booze had on my personality and its ability to instantly quiet any insecurities or fears lingering in the back of my mind. During college I chalked up my love for getting drunk and losing myself in booze to the "crazy college years." Many of my peers were doing the same thing. I was normal, right? After graduating college, I assumed that my booze intake would settle down as I began the process of "adulting." I would soon learn that this was not at all the case. In fact, as I settled into adult life, booze went from being a social lubricant to a tool I used on my own regularly to sooth uncomfortable emotions. Overtime I started craving the numbing feeling I'd get with each glass and eventually needed more and more to maintain the buzz. After a night of heavy drinking I would inevitably feel hungover, depressed, and regretful about my binge. I would make empty promises to myself that "next time would be different." I genuinely thought for a while i could maintain some sense of moderation. However, I've come to learn that it is impossible for me to return to the relationship I had with alcohol before i started using it as an escape tool. After the first sip, my brain is hard wired to want to keep drinking till I feel good. But feeling "good" is really just an allusive fantasy - because it seems I always need more to reach and maintain that state, and I never quite arrive. Well I still have a desire to feel good - but I want to start going about it in a way that creates lasting change in my life, not god awful hangovers. I realize that in order to feel genuinely good sometimes we have to learn how to cope and process emotions that don't feel good. At the end of the day I don't want to live my life waiting for the next "fix" - I want to learn to instead appreciate the beauty of both the good and bad moments in life. I want to feel alive. I've been told that sober mornings are one of the best parts of sobriety. I have to say I 100% agree with this sentiment.
There is nothing better than getting 9 hours of solid sleep and feeling fully rested (before 10AM). 3 days ago in my hungover state it was all I could do just to get out of bed to lie in front of the TV and eat a greasy breakfast. Today I woke up feeling energized, motivated, and ready to seize the day. After eating a healthy breakfast, I cleaned my room and am now getting ready to go on a nice long run. These are things that are barely possible to do while hungover. And if they are attempted, it feels like a real, painful struggle. Today's sober morning is a breath of fresh air, like the feeling you get when you walk outside and feel the cool autumn breeze on your skin after days stuck inside. It is a very different way of living, one that I intend to start intimately exploring. Sober evenings on the other hand are another story....but we'll save that rant for another post. Today I just want to spend time savoring the beauty of sober mornings and the joy of feeling sunlight on your face while sipping a delicious cup of joe. Sometimes the things we love most are the the very things we must learn to live without. Like an old lover, booze isn't something I feel completely ready to move on from. I still have the good memories, the times where booze felt like a necessary companion in my life. I can't forget the evenings spent laughing with friends, glasses in hand, feeling as though there is no place else I would rather be. I can't forget the giddy feeling I'd get as the first sip of red wine touched my lips, or the way my stresses and problems seemed to immediately start fading away. No, instead I have to accept the fact that inspite of all the good times I have had during my 10 year love affair with booze, it's time to walk away (for good).
Today is day 2 of my sober journey and my heart is still feeling wobbly with the desire to return to my old lover. It wants to forget the pain and the insidious shame this substance has injected into my life, and return to the euphoria-filled moments. But today I am gonna be the best friend that tells myself, "You cannot - under any circumstance go back to that asshole. You are a strong, beautiful, and intelligent women and you deserve a love that will build you up, NOT break you down." So today I am going to give my better half the benefit of the doubt and trust that she knows better than my wobbly and lovesick heart. I will forge forward into this uncomfortable territory with the knowing that sometimes things have to bruise a little before they can heal. Here I am again. Another day 1, feeling hungover and tired. I have been here so many times before over the past 3 years. I've made it long stretches without drinking only to give up on it once the going got tough or I got bored.
I always start my sober journey with a lot of resolution. I have said to myself so many times before, " I will never drink again. This is the last drink." But that resolution seems to fade pretty quickly with the passage of time and the complexities of life. Life is hard. Drinking is easy. Except when you realize that drinking actually makes life a lot harder in the long run, even when your brain wants to convince you otherwise. So this blog is for me and for you (who ever you are reading this). Maybe you have your struggles with booze. Maybe you know somebody who does. This blog is a reminder for us that YES life is fucking hard...but there other ways to deal with it than to escape through booze. I suppose a journey of 1000 miles starts with the first step. I may be shakey footed today, but nonetheless I am taking a step forward. I am so sick of making u-turns in my sobriety journey only come to the same realization, "Booze is bad for me." I know that if I continue to use booze as a crutch as I've done in the past, I will not reach my full potential as a person. I only have one life to live and I can't mess it up by being stuck in a the numbing stupor of booze. So in my full hungover state, I'll raise by glass of La Crioix to sobriety, tiny first steps, and the long, beautiful journey that lies ahead. I've been thinking a lot about the name of my blog lately and what it means to me as I learn to live my life without alcohol. Similar to getting in shape, finding strength in sobriety doesn't happen right away. Some days you don't see progress. Some days you want to quit because it's too hard. But then, you remind yourself that the alternative is more painful. You're sick of standing still and being the ghost of the person you know you can be. So like me, you carry on. One sober step at a time.
Just like an athlete you build strength and skill through support and care. You don't push yourself too hard in the beginning. You give yourself rewards and incentives to keep going. You take breaks and rest when you're tired. You hold a vision in your head of the person you want to be and don't let go of it, even when others or life events try to convince you otherwise. And then one day you look back on all those tiny moments that added up to something much bigger and realize that you have have found strength in sobriety. PS I am interested in learning about what sober strength means to you. Feel free to leave comments below. |
About MeAs I embark on this sober journey I wanted a place where I could share my reflections, insights, and questions about sobriety. And I hope that through creating this blog I can begin to find strength and courage in the absence of booze. Archives
July 2020
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